Funny New Year’s Resolutions: From Absurd to Achievable for Small Businesses

Ah, January! Wait- we are at the end of January! Oh my. It’s that time of year again when gym memberships skyrocket, kale smoothies become the breakfast of champions, and we all vow to become experts at some unrealistic goal. Yes, it’s New Year’s resolution time. While some goals are hilariously unrealistic, small businesses can take a different approach to make real improvements and boost their online presence.

So, let’s dive into the plethora of funny New Year’s resolutions and then shift gears to explore practical resolutions for small businesses aiming to conquer realistic digital goals.

Why Do People Make New Year’s Resolutions?

Haha, that is a great question. Do any of them ever get realized? Mine usually fall short except when I verbalize them to my friend- then I feel the pressure! She knows who she is!

The truth is that people make New Year’s resolutions for several reasons, and it often symbolizes a fresh start and a desire for personal improvement. Here are some of the more common reasons people make New Year’s resolutions:

1. Tradition: It’s a way to mark the beginning of a new year and set intentions for the months ahead.
2. Self-Reflection: The end of the year is a natural time for people to reflect on their lives and assess what they want to change or improve.
3. Goal Setting: New Year’s resolutions are a form of goal setting. They provide people with clear objectives to work toward in various aspects of their lives, such as health, career, relationships, and personal growth.
4. Motivation: The idea of a new year approaching can be motivating. It brings renewed energy and determination, making it an ideal time to commit to positive changes.
5. Accountability: Making resolutions can create a sense of accountability. When friends and family also set resolutions, individuals may feel more motivated to follow through.
6. Health and Well-being: Many resolutions involve health-related goals, such as losing weight, exercising more, or quitting smoking. These resolutions reflect a desire for a healthier and happier life.
7. Life Enhancement: Resolutions can encompass many life areas, from improving relationships and financial situations to learning new skills or pursuing passions.

While New Year’s resolutions can be a positive way to set intentions and work toward personal growth, there is no doubt that we need to approach them realistically and with a plan for success. Many struggle to keep their resolutions (including myself). Still, with determination and a well-thought-out strategy, these declarations can lead to meaningful and lasting changes!

On the other hand…

2025 Update for Funny New Year’s Resolutions

Here are the latest results from the crazy New Year’s Resolutions 2025! Enjoy!

• Embrace AI Companionship: In 2025, I resolve to have more meaningful conversations with my AI assistant than with actual humans.
• Virtual Reality Fitness: This year, I’ll get fit by jogging through virtual landscapes—because real-world gyms are so 2024.
• Digital Detox Weekends: I pledge to spend at least one weekend a month offline… unless there’s a new season of my favorite show.
• Master the Art of Drone Piloting: Why walk the dog when I can supervise its stroll via drone? Efficiency is key in 2025.
• Commit to Sustainable Living: I’ll reduce my carbon footprint by only ordering takeout from restaurants within a 5-mile radius.

Funny New Year’s Resolutions: From Amusing to Absurd

Let’s Start with Amusing Resolutions

Making a resolution in public can be quite introspective or just plain silly. Just for kicks, here’s a list of odd and funny New Year’s resolutions I found in my research for resolutions that people actually Google. Oh, and I couldn’t help but add my thoughts in parentheses!

1. Become a Professional Netflix Binge-Watcher: Because who needs a real job when you can be an expert at binge-watching the latest T.V. series? (I achieved this one during COVID-19; how about you?)

2. Master the Art of Parallel Universe Hopping: Just in case you find a better reality out there. (Seriously, people say this?)

3. Learn to Speak Whale: Inspired by Dory from “Finding Nemo.” Whale, whale, whale, it’s quite the unique resolution! (smh)

4. Become a Procrastination Champion: Why do what you can put off today until next year, right? (No comment, ha!)

5. Achieve a Zen State of Mind While Waiting in Line: Patience is a virtue, and checkout lines are a true test of character.

7. Learn to Communicate with Houseplants: Because they’ve been silently judging you for years. (Now, I must stop here; I talk to my plants. Don’t tell anyone, won’tcha?)

8. Become a Professional Thumb Wrestler: Because you never know when you might be challenged to a duel! (That’s a hard NO for me. I will NEVER win against my hubby!)

9. Conquer the Fear of Butterflies: Yes, lepidopterophobia is a thing, and 2024 is your year to face those fluttering foes. (Wait, are they referring to real butterflies or nerves? If they are talking nervousness, I would be in for that.)

10. Master the Art of Inventing New Pizza Toppings: Pineapple and anchovies, anyone? (Said no one, ever.)

11. Achieve World Peace…in Your Living Room: Hey, it’s a start, right?

12. Perfect the Jedi Mind Trick: These are not the resolutions you’re looking for. (good luck, buddy)

13. Learn to Moonwalk on the Moon: Well, technically, you’d need a rocket and a spacesuit for that one.

A good laugh is always a great way to start the year with a positive outlook! Don’t you agree?

Let’s go ahead and read the things I found most absurd. I mean, why only go halfway?

Oh, So Absurd Resolutions

I write these while seriously questioning the online community’s intelligence! (That is why I offer a way to pivot after each, LOL!)

1. Become a Unicorn Tamer: While we’d all love to watch someone tame a mythical beast, becoming a unicorn tamer might be a tad tricky. Instead, focus on taming your website’s SEO to rank high in search engine results. This real-world skill will attract more visitors than any unicorn ever could.

2. Master Time-Travel Tuesdays: Wouldn’t it be fun to hop into a time machine and revisit the past? Well, since Doc Brown’s DeLorean isn’t currently available, small businesses can make it a goal to review their past online content. Update and refresh old blog posts to keep them relevant and appealing to search engines.

3. Dive into the Art of Telepathy: I’ll avoid the “Carrie” situation; thank you! Instead, imagine knowing what your customers think without them saying a word. In reality, you can achieve this by diving into data analytics. Understand your audience’s behavior, preferences, and trends to tailor your content and marketing strategies accordingly.

Achievable Resolutions for Small Businesses

Boosting Online Visibility for Your Small Business

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1. SEO Utopia: Start the year by conducting a thorough SEO audit of your website. Identify keywords relevant to your business and incorporate them strategically into your content. Optimize your meta titles, descriptions, alt text, and headers to ensure search engines locate your site.

2. Content Consistency: Commit to a regular content schedule. Publish informative blogs, engaging social media posts, and email newsletters that resonate with your target audience. Consistency is critical to building trust and loyalty among potential customers.

3. Engage with Your Audience: Make it a goal to actively engage with your online community. Respond promptly to comments and messages, participate in relevant forums and groups, and show genuine interest in your customers’ needs. Building relationships can turn scrollers into devoted customers.

4. Mobile Optimization: With most internet users on mobile devices, ensure your website is mobile-friendly. A responsive design will improve user experience and boost your search engine rankings.

5. Track and Adjust: Remember the importance of analytics. Regularly monitor your website traffic, conversion rates, and social media performance. Use these insights to fine-tune your online strategy and stay ahead of the competition.

While funny New Year’s resolutions provide a good laugh, small businesses should aim for practical and achievable goals to enhance online visibility.

By mastering the art of SEO, consistently producing valuable content, engaging with their audience, optimizing for mobile, and using data to guide their efforts, they can drive more traffic, increase ROI, and convert casual scrollers into loyal customers.

So, here’s to a successful year of growth and visibility for you and your small business. 

P.S. – If you did make an absurd-ish New Year’s resolution, there is no judgment here! We have all been there.

P.S. – Okay, we can help! Contact Simply Sunni in the New Year to get your goals made faster and easier with a content team!